Liberal Chicks Are Easy

I've been musing through the "conservative" and "liberal" punditry lately, and I've come to realize that I'm not a liberal after all.

I've just been telling myself that so I don't have to lie to get laid.

Liberal chicks are easy to get in the sack. Ariana is my next conquest.

So what the hell am I?

Since political scientists and philosophers tend to just make up words and terms all the time, I'll give it a go:

I'm a neoconsyndaclisticmulitliberalmarxistgunnutfreedomlovingwomanizingfeministmultifacetedfascist

That which does not destroy us only makes us stronger

“That which does not destroy us only makes us stronger.”

-Nietzsche

Um, from a political standpoint, if that ol’ adage is true, America is fucked.

We were shaken to the core after 9/11. We panicked. We went fucking nuts.

We started two completely retarded wars, ripped up our constitution, let our government go haywire, and then we destroyed our economy. And the world now hates us, mocks us, doesn't take us seriously. We haven’t even been able to rebuild the fucking towers that blew up that day.

So are we stronger now?

Fuck, I think we're dead.

HA HA HA HA!!!

I don't normally just post little news articles, but this is just too funny....



Translator Couldn't Take Gaddafi Speech
Updated: Sunday, 27 Sep 2009, 2:56 PM EDTPublished : Sunday, 27 Sep 2009, 2:55 PM EDT
By MIKE BRODY
(MYFOX NATIONAL) - Muammar Gaddafi's personal translator broke down towards the end of the Libyan leader's meandering 94-minute UN speech last week and had to be relieved by a UN Arabic speaker, according to the New York Post .
The Libyan interpreter reportedly collapsed from exhaustion after translating about 75 minutes of Gaddafi's speech, which lasted six times longer than the UN's 15-minute time limit.
"I just can’t take it any more," Khadafy's interpreter shouted into the live microphone in Arabic.
UN rules specify that translators only provide live interpretation for 40 minutes at a time, but Libya insisted on using its own translators for English and French rather than one of the 25 Arabic translators provided by the UN. Libyan diplomats said that Gaddafi would be speaking a dialect that only his staff could understand.
The longest-ever UN speech was delivered by V. K. Krishna Menon, who spent nearly eight hours defending India’s position on Kashmir to the Security Council in January 1957.

Why I would have stayed in school, still have a girlfriend, and not have had a total meltdown at the end of the Bush era if Bill Hicks were still here

When I think about Bill Hicks, and what he has to say about life, politics, etc, a lot of the time I think that he is absolutely fucking crazy. And to me, that is a sign that I should keep on listening.

If I were to take most of what he was advocating to heart, and think of it as the literal truth, I'd be as ignorant as the fundamentalists that think the bible is the literal truth. A few conversations about his ideas and jokes that I have been having lately have got me making parallels between the "Bill Hicks doctrine" and the "christian doctrine".

See, I know that he had a lot of important stuff to say, but he was also a comedian, and he was a guy looking at life from his own point of view. Not applicable to all.

I know people that absolutely love him and sort of take his ideas and apply them to their own personal philosophies and actions. I'm one of them, but I'm not a Hicks fundamentalist. So when I tell some of my most respected friends that MARKETING and MONEY are what makes the world go around, they call me a sellout.

Random friend: "Ian, you think Bill is the Bee's fuckin' Knees, why do you talk about the importance of money? You are a sellout. You contradict yourself."

Ian: "NO. Shut up. You sound like a fucking retard."

He didn't want us to take his word for it, he only wanted us to think for ourselves. I think if he said that something was shit, and someone could find a real reason to why it wasn't shit, he would be proud. He talked in black and white, but he never thought in black and white.

That's a good lesson to learn: Think for yourself, and think all the time.

In reality, there is very little black and white. Just look at the color spectrum: Black and white is either the absence of color, or the presence of all colors. But most of the spectrum lies in between. Does the world work that way? YES.

Anyways, here is how he affected me personally, a sort of letter to the dead:


Dear Dead Bill Hicks,

At the end of the George Bush reign of terror on the world I was pretty much a basket case. After he invaded Iraq, got reelected and then proceeded to use fear and Jesus as an excuse to shit on the entire planet, I had given up on my fellow man, become a severe alcoholic and pill popper, and had proceeded to spend my days on the outskirts of society, yelling at Fox news and Rush Limbaugh, and had become nervous, imbalanced, apathetic and pathetic. An asshole to everyone I new.

Since I was a teenager I had always had this vague idea that I was somehow going to make the world a better place through music, politics, philosophy, activism, you name it. I was always involved in some political, animal, or environmental cause, drifting from one interest to another trying to find my “vocation” in life to somehow make a lasting difference in this world. Or I was trying to get laid.

I had been deeply, deeply inspired by Bill Hicks as a teenager and on into adulthood, but somewhere along the way I completely lost that drive and inspiration. That partially was due to my complete disgust at the Bush administration, and how he seemed to be, in my eyes, hell-bent on destroying as much of the planet as he possibly could. And you know what? I was right. Now we're stuck trying to clean up the mess of some of the sickest assholes to ever grace our "government".

When I realized that America and the rest of the damn planet may actually get back on it's feet, that we might get a person in the white house that doesn't act like he’s Godzilla and that the world is his own personal Tokyo, I started working my ass off to get that black guy into the white house.

After a while, a caring person can go mad with frustration if he sees everything he knows and loves, (i.e. the planet and most of the people and animals on it) go to into hopeless oblivion. And by the end of 2008, I was so stricken with fear at the thought that McCain and Palin would take over the White House and somehow justify polluting the world at insane levels, or probably set off a world war, that I managed to throw away the one thing that still had any meaning to me: my girlfriend.

As I began to recap and realize the reality of all the crazy shit that had actually gone down in the world in the years since Bush had been elected, and what damage had really occurred, I became utterly hopeless, sank into a barrel of personality defect, and managed to lose everything in my personal life, and she dumped me. With good reason.

That sucked. So I, for the first time in my life had a complete mental breakdown. I bought a gun, did some STRANGE SHIT, and somehow managed to come out of it on the other side spiritually and mentally healthier (long story) and now I’m back as the pragmatic idealist that I once was.

And now I stumble back on your philosophy and I think to myself that your death at such a young age is a modern tragedy. We could have really, really, really used you for spiritual and psychological (and fucking funny) comfort through those dark, terrible eight years of fundamentalist bullshit.

If you were still around to keep on evolving your philosophy, guiding and inspiring us, I may have had the psychological resilience to have kept on going through anything, maybe even the end of the world.

Bill, if you thought things were bad in 1994, you should see the 2000’s. But I thank god that while you were here you still got to say a lot, and that we still get to watch as you evolved from a bitter, hilarious comic into a bitter, hilarious humanitarian. Thank You.


Ian

Money vs Physics: Money Wins

15 Reasons why money is the most powerful force in the universe:


You don’t lose energy, you just convert it. You lose money.

All physical forces are external agents that cause stress or motion on a physical body, money just causes stress.

The strong force holds quarks and neutrons together to form particles, the scientists that figured that out were paid with money.

The strong force is the most powerful of the four physical forces. You can’t pay your bills with the strong force.

Archimedes corrected Aristotle’s fundamental misunderstanding of the nature of forces by studying simple machines. Aristotle had to pay for those machines with…..

Emperor Palpatine used the force to control the galaxy, Lucas used money to defeat him.

Ewoks = $$$$

Islamic fundamentalists (they never have money) try to force women to not have sex. Americans with money don’t have to force anyone to have sex.

Money = Sex

Only physicists worry about the strong force, everybody on the planet worries about money.

c + I + g + x -m > E=mc2

If you got that last one, congratulations, you’re almost as smart as you think you are.

They worship the “force” in the UK. We worship the $$$ in the US of motherfucking A.

USA GDP > UK GDP (14 trill > 2.13 trill, suck it losers)


- Diplomaniac

Partial CIA World Factbook Country Profile for Allahakbaristan

Official Country Name: Democratic Peoples Islamic Republic of Muhammadianidiaminallahackbaristan

Capital: Scruffy (sources say the capital is named after the presidents dog)

Gov. Structure: Islamic Republic

President: Mohammed Ian Idi Amin al-Allah Akbar.

Profile of President:
· Mother is of Sunni Iranian descent
· Father was King of Cannibal Liberian tribe
· At his Bar mitzvah, President Allah Ackbar had a breakdown and converted to “Arab”
· 1st openly gay Arab League President
· Head and founder of the Arab League’s “Dictators with Developmental Disabilities” (ALDDD) program
· Other positions held by President: Prime Minister, Defense Minister, Minister of Oil, Spiritual Leader, and Head of Islamic Courts

Presidential Elections held every: 20 years, all other posts appointed by the President

Location and size: Approximately 5 square miles, just south of Turkmenistan in the “Sandstorm triangle”

Approximate oil Reserves: 900,000,000,000 barrels crude

Unemployment Rate: 99%

Official Religion: Sunni Muslim

Religious Demographics: 95% Shiite Muslim, 4% Jewish, 1% Sunni Muslim

Average life expectancy: 18 years

Population: 1,128,000

Estimated number of AK47’s: 405,128,000

Percentage of population to complete 6th grade: 0%, excluding President, who is an Oxford Scholar

Major Industries: Oil Production, Drug Trafficking, Prostitution

Major Exporters: China, Russia, USA, and France (all exports: Oil, prostitution, heroin)

Major Importers:
(Goods, services, etc are in parenthesis)

· UN Mission in Darfur (food, medical supplies, observers) [Note: they are in the wrong country, contact UN about that]
· World Bank (debt)
· UN Mission In Allahackbaristan (Peacekeepers, drugs)
· China (Russian made attack helicopters and bombers, RPG’s, UN Security Council fitness and guarantees)
· Doctors Without Boarders (free doctors, potential UN spies)
· Halliburton (Blackwater lawyers, tons of cash, local product enthusiasts)
· Shell Oil (dissident control, lovers and leavers, will take some blame after a while, cooperate lackeys)
· Blackwater (school teachers, road builders, linguists, missionaries, candy stripers, skilled philanthropists)

From One Dictator to Another

Dear President Omar Al Bashir,

I don’t pretend to understand everything about every little piddly, unimportant country out there such as the Sudan. But seeing as you and I are kindred spirits, with us both being openly gay and possessing a willingness to commit genocide for oil revenues, I’ll give you a little bit of friendly dictator to dictator advice.

I’m declaring war on you asshole. Keep your grubby little hands out of the bidding war for Chinese Weaponry and Oil imports.

You know that the whole damn world is clamoring for your head. If the UN wants you dead more than they want me dead, you must be more retarded than Ahmadinejad and Kim Jong Il put together. And those guys are so retarded that they both actually admitted on State run television to being diagnosed with Down Syndrome and Autism.

You have undercut the rest of us oil producing countries so badly, we can barely afford the Chinese bombers we need to “fight the rebels.” Did you know that Putin is thinking about canceling his deal on selling Iran those S-300 anti-aircraft missile systems? How in the Hell is Ahmadinejad going to initiate the second Holocaust if he can’t even protect his enrichment facilities from Israeli bombers? Geez, get your head out of your ass. The rest of us are trying to keep that Nuclear Development Hostage program going, and you’re practically giving your oil away to the Malaysians.

There’s a system here asshole: They buy the oil at ridiculously inflated and arbitrary prices, and we don’t blow up Israel. Do you like having the right to beat your wife in the name of Islam? Well if I have to put a Naval Blockade on your oil-shipping-at-10-dollars-a-barrel-ass, I will revoke Sharia Law right now.

Do you know what happens then? I get all the deals from those stupid Americans, and your ass is handed over to the International Criminal Court by your own fucking secret service.

Did you know that even George Clooney asked Obama to go to war with you? I’m mean, he and the rest of the Darfur Coalition aren’t the brightest bulbs on the planet, but now they’re sending out hundreds of thousands of petitions asking the American people to demand that their government invade yet another Muslim country. You must be really pissing people off now.

Get with the program man. If the US, or NATO invades another Muslim country, even if they’re committing genocide on their own people, the whole fucking world goes to war.

Did you get that subscription to “Foreign Policy” I sent you? There is a delicate three tier set of circumstances that need to happen to lead to a new World War:

1) World wide economic depression. No arguments there.
2) The fall of a Hegemony or Empire. Have you looked at America’s credit lately? Those people won’t last the decade.
3) Massive State Failures. I can think of 17 just off the top of my head. I mean, Iceland? What a mess. And if Russia can’t even import second hand Korean cars because of gross governmental mismanagement, you know their going to start bombing some American ally.

I’m going to go ahead and add a 4th one: The East is pissed off at the West for all that neocolonial bullshit, what with playing nice to the Saudis and the Egyptians. Could you imagine being openly gay, as you and I are, in those countries? Man, the Americans don’t exactly have much creditability in that department.

One more American invasion and the Culture War becomes the World War. So I’m going to do everybody a favor and invade you myself. If a Muslim country invades another Muslim country in the name of humanity and protecting the innocent, nobody gets to call it neocolonialism. Death to the Dictator!


Yours Truly,
Mohammad Ian Idi Amin al-Allah Akbar

President for Life, PM, DM, HIC, Ayatollah
Democratic Peoples Islamic Republic of Allahackbaristan

On Behalf of Retarded Dictators Everywhere: CONGRATULATIONS ACHMADINEJAD



Dear Achmadinejad,

Since you have effectively cut yourself off from the rest of the world to the point that even the most corrupt, evil and stupid dictator won’t acknowledge your reelection, I will publicly speak on their behalf.

I know you said that you aren’t looking for international approval, but we all know that you’re just as concerned with your popularity as any other world “leader” out there.

What with all those investigations against you, and the lack of public love from your butt buddy Khomeini lately, you’ve got to be looking internationally for at least a little support.

So, since you and I are both openly gay totalitarian dictators of our own personal countries with populations with tons of talent, no money, tons of potential to make the world a better place, and a government that is totally inept, corrupt, and retarted; I’m going to say Congratulations.

But, now that it has become public knowledge that you and Khomeini have a romantic relationship, (you can see the video here http://picard.ytmnd.com/), and that’s the only reason he would approve of a self-acknowledged Down syndrome sufferer such as yourself, I have a question: Is this a common relationship between all the mullahs and the executive branch of the Iranian government?

I’m just asking because you people are in charge of the second largest oil reserves on the planet, and still manage to have a 40% unemployment rate. The only reason I can think of to explain that kind of dysfunctional governing is that you all have these closeted sexual feelings for each other. I mean, this is cronyism at its worst.

If that is the case, might I suggest that you just come out and publicly admit that you’re all closeted homosexuals? That way the Mullahs and the Ayatollahs that must submit approval for members of the executive branch can elect people that actually know what they’re doing, and still receive sexual gratification.

During your campaign, you ran under a platform of change. What can be a better way to implement change than to admit that there are gay people in your country? And that the government itself is gay. If you can get past that little social faux pas, you guys can get some economists in there to actually help your economy. It seems like a no brainer to me.

Write me back if you want any more advice,

Mohammad Ian Idi Amin al-Allah Akbar

President for Life, PM, DM, HIC, Ayatollah
Democratic Peoples Islamic Republic of Allahackbaristan

Gearing Up for the 2010 Vote: Is Anybody Else Buying Land in Canada and Considering Putting MORE Stock into Smith and Wesson?

I know it sounds insane, but I actually know people that aren’t registered to vote. I’m not kidding either, and some of these people I’ve know for years and I know they’ll vote however I tell them to. I’ve given them countless registration papers, offered to drive them to their voting place, showed them what happens when citizens don’t participate in or pay attention to government (read: 8 years of the Bush administration). I’ve threatened their physical safety and have offered free sex. And they still manage to forget to vote.

Herein the problem lies.

An Example: Obama is trying to get that damn health care bill passed before 2010. Why is he trying so hard? Because he knows, and I repeat knows that we could get stuck in the shit after 2010 and then we’re going to have to wade through another 20 years of neoconservative nonsense before we get this chance again.

I’ve looked at the bill and I’ve read the non-partisan analyses, and it’s going to be expensive. It’s not perfect, but it will get the job done. When I talk to European students and tell them “Yes, what you’ve read is true. I know it sounds crazy, but we really do have 50 million people without healthcare.” they start to understand that Americans really do live in a different world than the rest of the civilized planet.

At 14 trillion dollars, we can damn well afford to pay for universal healthcare, and a whole lot of other stuff that we should be paying for as well. And I’m talking about healthcare for people that we don’t know personally. People with kids and jobs and morals and religion and potential gashes in their heads. Yes, some of them might even have drinking problems, or jaywalking problems. Hell, some of them are complete idiots and don’t deserve to have us to pay for their little Backyard Wrestling mishaps. But we have this thing called modern society, where we help out those less fortunate or lucky or intelligent than ourselves, even when it puts a small dent in our wallets.

The rest of civilized society gets it. European Union members live in dysfunctional societies, but not so dysfunctional that they routinely vote for people that actually admit that they don’t give a shit about the poor because it’s not their problem, or because it’s too expensive, or because, heaven forbid, it doesn’t represent that good old American tradition of bootstraps, capitalism, and a total rejection of anything that even remotely resembles socialism. Because that would be totalitarianism or communism, meaning if you want to help out the poor even a little bit then you are Hitler AND Stalin rolled into one little pink package of laziness.

So there is this self-marginalizing portion of the population that absolutely won’t vote. I’m not talking about the ones that vote, but vote against their best self-interest. I’m talking about the ones that are either totally oblivious or totally disenfranchised to the whole thing. I’m talking about myself from 2003-2006. (Ok, so I still voted during that period, but I pretty much gave up on the rest of the political process, and for me relative to the average American that’s the same as not voting. This was an unfortunate result of the Iraq war, Bush actually getting reelected, and Fox News ratings going through the roof. But I’m better now, thank God. Plus my mom would have killed me.)

So now we’ve got a President that is pushing an overly expensive, confusing, dysfunctional and possibly impassible healthcare reform bill at a time where we need society to relax a little so that the psychological factor of economic recovery hits home, and we can have spending go up and unemployment go down. He’s being forced, or is forcing himself to push a scary-ass spending proposal at the exact opposite time than he should be. But he’s freaked out that the young and the psychologically disenfranchised aren’t going to vote, and the neoconservatives are going to gain 14 or so seats in the legislature. And then we will continue to have 50 million people at risk of cancer, shark attacks, accidental ingestion of sulfuric acid, hate crimes, libertarianism, light socket tongue mishaps, etc. And those people will go into debt to the insurance companies or whoever, and they and their kids will be fucked.

We’re all so worried that this bill may somehow screw up our employee benefits that we won’t spend a dime, in case we’ve got to get our own insanely expensive and wholly unreliable medical insurance. Not a particularly brilliant time to introduce a highly controversial social program that is going to be counterproductive to the economy in many people’s minds, but will undoubtedly be cheaper in the long run. Heaven forbid we acknowledge the long run.

And don’t even get me started on the Blue dog democrats.

Because we Americans want it all, and we’ve got it all, or should I say had it all. But we don’t want to pay for it. And we give lip service to Rush Limbaugh who thinks that if the government even asks for a dime for public service than they are totalitarians. So maybe it’s not that we Americans actually live in a different world than the rest of civilized society, it’s just that some of us think we do.

Obama vs Achmadinejad

Obama,

You really are as cool as they say. The epitome of cool. After all the deep deep shit the Bush administration has gotten us into, you went around the world and sang

“Hey, we’re still cool. You know we were attacked on 911 and let’s face it, we’re America. You guys knew we were going to blow some shit up. We blow shit up just for the hell of it, of course we were gonna blow up Saddam after that shit. That fucktard had the nerve to have oil and piss off Dick Cheney? What, has he never heard of the PNAC?”

You’re so cool that even after all the crap we piled on top of ourselves, telling the whole world to go fuck themselves, you strutted your black ass into Cairo right before the Lebanese and Iranian elections and said

“Hey, everything’s cool now. You’ve got the right to self determination. You’ve got a right to your own energy policy. You’ve got the right to beat the shit out of your women for conjugating in public. As long as you don’t blow up a certain neighbor, or destabilize the world, everything’s cool.”

Hell, if it wasn’t for your speech, Hezbollah would still control Lebanon, and there wouldn’t be an underground revolution in Iran right now.

Your speech was so well timed, it’s almost like you and Achmenijhad planned it.

Obama: Hey Achmy, I’m gonna give that speech about how cool things are between the US and the Muslims Thursday.

Ahmadinejad: Are you fucking kidding? That’s great! The Lebanese are gonna go apeshit. I wonder how my people are gonna react…

Obama: I’ve got a plan.

Achmadinejad: Oh yeah? What’s that?

Obama: (dramatic pause)…….Revolution.

Achmadinejad: Bullshit. How can I get my people to revolt against that faggot Khamenei without getting my ass killed? I’m trying to spread around the oil wealth to the poor but I’m so stupid all I can do is implement retarted marriage programs and deny the holocaust. How can we ever have freedom for my people Obama? How?

Obama: You don’t worry about it. You just rig those elections to 62% like I told you, and I’ll be in Cairo to play that shit cool. Trust me, you’ll be swinging from a pole in six months.

Achmadinejad: OK!

OCTOGATE: My Fool Proof Plan to Save the World: Jeffrey Sachs

REVELATION ALERT:

OCTOGATE: My Fool Proof Plan to Save the World and Get Away with it:
Jeffrey Sachs



Dear President Obama,

I’ve read about too many patterns in world systems relating to global trade, and just how damn influential GDP is on quality of life. This is not a perfect correlation by any means, there are some outliers, but there’s a pretty linear relationship between how much money a country has and the amount of suffering the population of said country has to go through. It’s actually staggering.

I direct you to the CIA world factbook and their ranking of the worlds countries by GDP (purchasing power). If you’re familiar with these countries or if you compare it to the Human Development index (HDI), it’s like your looking at the same list.
https://www.cia.gov/library/publications/the-world-factbook/fields/2195.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_countries_by_Human_Development_Index

I know that this isn’t an original concept, but once it really sinks in, when you make the connection between monetary policy and humanitarian conditions relating to war, disease, starvation, life expectancy, and general living conditions, you have no choice but to throw your arms up and walk away from the whole damn thing. In that I mean just get on with your life and consider it part of the human condition.

Or you can be like me and get so emotionally devastated by this that you become obsessed with politics. And come up with a plan.


The Plan


I’ve been following economist Jeffery Sachs for a long time now. Anyone who spends any time with me probably hears his name several times a day. He has an excellent record of bringing third world countries out of severe economic crisis or depressions. In the eighties and the nineties he would go to post-communist countries (including Russia and the first commie satellite to fall, Poland) and introduce what others have called “shock therapy” economics, which is basically to have the State bite it and privatize almost everything. After an initial economic freak out (and it really does freak people out), industry picks up speed and your on your way to McDonalds, ultra billionaires, decent inflation rates, laughing babies, brighter sunshine and Bernie Madoff.

He then would stick in reasonable restrictions and regulations on the free market, but I can’t stress enough that it is still a free market; it’s just got some rules similar to the ones that Geithner is putting in place at this very moment. The whole lets-not-let-those-bubble-bursts-and-down-cycles-lead-the-whole-world-to-a-state-of-panic-and-general-higgly-piggly attitude. You guys get a lot of points for that, only loons think the market will magically fix itself. Anyways, he helped a lot of countries defy the Soviets both before and after the Union, and was a pretty badass guy in general. And Naomi Klein, I read you, your hot, I want to marry you but you’re dead wrong on this one.

So that was when Jeffery Sachs was still a baby. It gets a hell of a lot better.

He’s now the head of the Millennium Project, Special Adviser to Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon, director of the Earth Institute, etc. just look him up. He’s basically got a lot of great ideas on how we, the United States, G20 and the lot can shift private and public investment to an atmosphere that not only combats but actually eradicates extreme poverty (defined as people living on less than 1 dollar a day, most of which their lives suck. This is an objective fact, if you’re still arguing that their lives are somehow not torn by hunger, misery, dictatorship, sometimes anarchy, etc. then just forget it, there is no talking to you).

And we can implement these ideas and still make money. A lot of money. The US and G20 still gets to be on top, we still get to dictate global foreign and fiscal policy. In fact, if the third world gets a little less miserable and it is generally acknowledged that we were the ones that actually stood up and said “Screw the status quo! Screw the system! I’ve got a way to combat starvation and poverty and I’m going to get rich while I do it!” then it’s free reign for the next fifty years. Just like the decades after WWII and the great depression when we kicked ass and inspired the world and got away it, sort of.

Remember in the 60’s, 70’s, and 80’s when we could run around toppling foreign dictators and replacing them with other foreign dictators in the name of freedom and capitalism? We can do that again. But first we’ve got to look like we care about humanity.

And now we can’t even invade a little country like Sudan to stop a government from killing, torturing, stealing from and ethnically cleansing its own citizens. Because we look like dicks and we’ve lost our moral standing in the world, and that shit is important. We can’t be a hedgemon or a world leader or even a superpower unless the rest of the world sees us as legit.

But we can invade Sudan, and all sorts of countries that suck. If we ran around investing in the third world, buying their resources at fair prices, skirting around their corrupt and murderous governments and investing in their people, resources, labor unions, environmental programs, education systems, human rights efforts, medical faculties and most importantly their industry, we would make so much money, and have so much good will, that we could invade a Muslim country, topple over their corrupt regime, install a new and less corrupt regime, and not look like neocolonialists. Imagine that. It seems like utopia.

But we’ve got to change our investment policies first. And Geithner isn’t going to do that. If you’re familiar with the concept of oligarchy then you know what I mean. Geithner is a good guy, but he is in bed with the status quo. I know this sounds revolutionary and that’s because it is. Geithner doesn’t understand what Jeffery Sachs is proposing. He doesn’t understand that we can invest in Africa and Southeast Asia at fair prices and still make a buck. Sure a couple billionaires might loose a few bucks, and they’re going to put up a fuss. Some people in America might even lose their jobs and have to go on welfare, but they will still eat. And we’ll set up public housing programs and debt relief and Sean Hannity will call us Communists and Totalitarians and we’ll have him shipped to a desert island. But it will all stabilize itself, the market will shift to a new system, and it will survive. New jobs based on divestment and integrity will be created.

We may one day look at the Republican Party and say “I remember you, you tried to destroy the world. You came damn close, then we looked at New Keynesian and Sachs global economic theories and put them into play, risked our political future, and now the world is a better place. There’s less corruption because there’s less incentive for corruption, and it worked.”

And then we can go to bed and actually sleep.

I direct you too this speech (scroll down to April 1 2009 and click it) http://www.lse.ac.uk/collections/LSEPublicLecturesAndEvents/live/LSELive_previous.htm Sachs made on the eve of this years G20 in which he predicts that their will be continuing trends of minimum investment at too low of a cost, too little aid and a general sense of “What can we do? I’d like to help but come on, the poor are poor and the rich are richer.” He was right.

If Jeffrey Sachs was in there we’d have a different world, but he’s not, and if you were advocating change that we could really believe in, you’d have appointed Sachs in the Treasury. But maybe you freaked out because the economy went to shit and people were losing their jobs and you just wanted things to be sort of back to the way they were. I understand, and I commend you. But things are so fucked right now that we might as well implement change that makes a real difference, and still gets us out of this rut.

This is what Sachs is advocating; A new type of investment trend that recognizes that through responsible global investment, private and government investing can sift through the bullshit and get down to solving these problems without hurting our country, or erasing the oligarchy.

Simply put, I really think Jeffery Sachs has a point. And the main difference that I see between the New Keynesian economists and Laissez-faire “magic” market capitalists is that the George Bush, Ronald Regan, Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity bullshit artists don’t give a flying shit about human suffering, they only care about the almighty dollar. And the Jeffery Sachs of the world actually care about human suffering and have a pretty reasonable approach to doing something about it. It’s just a matter of appointing someone outside of the oligarchy to shift the system in the right direction.

So please Obama: when Timothy Geithner gets busted for stealing or has to take the blame for some horrible scandal in the administration, kiss your career goodbye and stick Jeffery Sachs in there so we can finally do something for the 1 billion or so people on this planet who are starving. Do you know what happens to people when they starve? They go fucking crazy and kill each other, or worse.

Sorry. I mean, get reelected first, make it look like Geithner has a drinking problem or likes getting tied up and sodomized by male octogenarians, or whatever, just make it interesting. CNN can’t report on Sudan where real news actually takes place you know? They always report on the inane, inflammatory stuff that……

Wait a minute……..


I just had a great idea on how you can save the world AND keep your career!

Ok. Hear me out. This will work.

Ok, so we all know that the media has zero control of itself. If something crazy and embarrassing happens to a public figure they HAVE to obsess over it. Actually it’s the law. I’m not kidding either! Look, these are corporations right? By law they have to do whatever is best for their shareholders. And if you had the choice to watch a leaked video of Timothy Geithner getting sodomized by an octogenarian (dubbed Octogate, by Brian Williams) or some boring old stuffy tiny little economic story like changing global finance, what would you watch? You bet your ass you’d be watching Ann Coulter, with her eyes spinning around in her weird bird face scary head screaming “I TOLD YOU THEY WERE EVIL!!! THEY FUCK OLD MEN!!!

OOOOOO!!!!! This is technically a conspiracy too! Subversive, planned, under the radar. And I’m assuming Geithner doesn’t really like getting sodomized by octogenarians. Hey Geithner, way to take one for the team!

Ok, so you see how you can save your career? First off, if you try to pull something like this during your first term you won’t get reelected, they will eventually catch on. But, because its gonna take a while to find the octogenarian, and because we’ve gotta get Jeffery Sachs in on this too, and we’ve gotta convince Geithner of you-know-what, I figure this whole thing is gonna take a while to plan anyway. So we’ll wait until you get reelected to leak the video and then we immediately stick Sachs in there, and he better not screw up.

So now we’ve got four years to even out the playing field, or “spread the wealth” as you like to put it on national TV (good one there buddy). While CNN goes ape shit and starts putting up 3D renderings of what happens internally to the male rectum (dubbed Octographs by Wolf Blitzer) while being sodomized, Jeffery is quietly making secret deals with world leaders during G8 and G20 and all those great meetings you guys go to. Four years of what I like to call “fiscal responsibility” rolls by and the next thing you know, food and economic distribution is up and Africa doesn’t have to take shitty World Bank loans to keep the warlords in power. And we benefit fiscally too because we get sweeeet deals with our new trading partners. And you come out of it looking like the guy who actually modernized humanity.

And if you’re thinking that this will never work then you’re wrong. By the time Mr. Sachs has implemented the changes, the investors will have already been predicting the new trend toward proper investment in third world countries, and will be investing accordingly. Anyone not on the ball on this is going to see their economies hit hard and will adjust soon. This mixed with my general policies of divestment to keep the money from having to filter through the third world dictators hands should set us on the path to egalitarianism, utopianism, and victory, for all.

-Ian





Geithner, I know what your thinking. “Why do I have to be the one to have to get the thingy?” I’m sorry man, you’re the Treasury Guy, and you know the plan won’t work if we put Sachs into the department of transportation.

I don’t know why you always have to take the fall in my articles, but this time you have to do it for the good of mankind, you’re like Jesus or something. You will be remembered!! I don’t hate you any more!!

BREAKING NEWS: KHAMENEI AND AHMADINEJAD CAUGHT ON WEBCAM

BREAKING NEWS:

EXCLUSIVE HACKED WEBCAM FOOTAGE OF AYATOLLAH KHAMENEI GIVING IRANIAN PRESIDENT AHMADINEJAD HEAD. THE REAL REASON BEHIND THE STOLEN ELECTION IN IRAN.

Here’s the story. It’s been widely reported that there is a “cyber war” going on between American and British cyber geeks and Iranian government cyber geeks. 30 year olds everywhere are sitting in their mom’s basement, day and night, eating hot pockets, watching porn, and helping fight totalitarianism, all in the name of freedom and democracy for the repressed Iranian citizens.

I thought to myself “Ian, you always talk about freedom for Iran and how hot Persian women are, you go to rallies in support of the students, but how can you help fight in the Cyber Revolution?”

Web Cam hacking!

I’d heard that’s it’s relatively easy to hack into any low security web cam on the planet, of which there are millions, especially in Tehran. That city is Orwellian, every street corner is monitored by the revolutionary guard, and every cop station and gulag is under heavy surveillance. This is so they can show edited footage of how well they treat their political dissidents in their sharia court of law, so they can execute students who want to hold hands in public, or listen to music.

So I thought- I bet that most of these prison guards don’t know shit about web cam security.

See, you can use certain codes and techniques to “hack” into low security web cams, and you can then control the angle that the cam is facing via remote. I thought that most of the handcuffed beatings of these 500 or so political prisoners will be done out of camera view, but they still might be taking place in the same room, giving me the opportunity to record them with their own security webcams without their knowledge. Maybe I can record them abusing prisoners, then send the video to CNN, further de-legitimizing the Iranian Government, making me a cyber hero.

So I start looking for Government web cams. After a few weeks, a hell of a lot of pizza rolls, and thirty computer viruses from web porn, I come across a video stream of a Persian guy giving what seemed to be a Mullah a…. how should I put this….. a blowjob. At first I thought it was funny, but then it dawned on me: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST THAT’S AHMADINEJAD!!! HOLY FUCKING CANOLI THAT’S KHAMENEI!!! THIS IS LIKE THE 80’S ALL OVER AGAIN!!! Why is Khamenei giving Ahmadinejad the blow job, and not the other way around? I thought homosexuality wasn’t a problem in Iran.

You can see the video here: http://picard.ytmnd.com/

I’ve always wondered why in the hell would Khamenei risk his political legitimacy over an idiot duchebag like Ahmadinejad, I guess now we know.
-Ian

The Diplomaniac!

Spreading Democracy like HPV Since 2009

Hack Iran: My favorite Political Cause

My Favorite Political Cause:

HACK IRAN: Give the People What They Want

I’m gonna be as subtle here as possible, because until I get what I want, which is freedom for the people of Iran, the only way that ordinary American, European, etc. citizens can help in real time, with real direct consequences that actually make a difference is to break international law, sort of.

I’m talking about that time honored tradition of us internet dorks that is known as “hacking”.

I’m going to say this up front and I find myself saying it often: I am not a hacker. Even if I was I wouldn’t admit to it.

For the most part, on principle alone I deplore hacking. I know its fun to create havoc, pick up bragging rights, steal shit, spy on people, do favors for friends, get information that is sensitive/illegal etc. But I believe in breaking the law only in extremely moral or forgettably unimportant circumstances like drinking on the beach or sleeping with sixteen year olds.

But there is one exception to this: Skirting around the law and hacking into/corrupting/generally fucking with the Iranian “governments” cyber network. I consider this an ethical issue; because I think it is everyone that lives in a free societies duty and best interest to promote the freedoms of the downtrodden and repressed.

So technically hacking into a foreign government’s website is illegal, but considering that the Iranian government has no credibility at this point, fuck ‘em. They could have had an internationally monitored election and they could have listened to the will of their people. They not only proved that they are not worthy of governing, they proved that they aren’t even worthy of calling themselves a theocracy, with all the killing of innocent students, torturing political dissidents, and their continual use of the Koran as an excuse to shit on humanity.

And since our government can’t do anything but sit back and give moral support and do that cool CIA stuff under the table, it’s up to us citizens with no ties to the CIA etc. to lend in a helping hand. I read a blog recently that categorized a three tier system for those who want to help. These categories were Support, Advocate, and my favorite: Cyber Warrior.

I’ll try to find the link so I don’t have to reiterate on his categorizations and to support his site. Anyways, I love showing my support on mine and others sites, showing up to rallies, having sex with Iranian expatriates, following and spreading info on daily turmoil in Iran.

And beyond that, I say to all those with the skills: FUCK THE IRANIAN GOVERNMENT! Hack the shit out of those bastards, participate in the next targeted dos attack window, spy and record those police and public webcams (during the next organized rally that will inevitably end up in violence, which is almost every day at this point), and spend less time masturbating.

Hack away America! Our government won’t publicly condone it, but they also won’t charge you with a crime if you’re just being patriotic!

-Ian

About the Author

About the Author: People tend to email me asking how the hell I ended up being a freelance writer and political commentator (or something to that effect).

The only answer that I can give you is that I used to follow the advice of Herman Hesse in “Damien” which was to find your “vocation” and roll with it. That is, no matter what it is, do what you’re good at. Well that may be fine for some people, but for me, I’ve gotta do what I love. I may have a bit more of a knack for psychology and music, but that’s not what I love (well, actually I do love those things, just not as much as bitching about politics, warlords and dictators. And I do tend to dwell in the realm of political and social psychology anyway).

I just wish I had figured this out before college, not after.

So the only unsolicited advice I’ll give about that is to read “Damien”, but don’t take the message of the book too much to heart. Because Herman Hesse did what he was good at, and while he’s helped a lot of people and has helped to inspire much social change in the western world, he was totally and utterly miserable.

That, and I’m pretty damn good at this anyway. So go screw yourself traditional society. If you don’t do what you love, you’ll never be a truly happy or successful entrepreneur if you just go with the talent, and forget the passion. The rest of you can generate money at UPS or the stock market or stripping or killing or whatever; but I’m generating my money doing this.

That and if you do want to be a writer, prepare to spend a hell of a lot of time at it, at least the research part. That and be wary of Pandora radio, lest you find yourself checking to see who is playing every five minutes, interrupting the “zone”.

Also, I cannot stress enough how important it is to have faith in yourself. If you have a good idea, or even a bad idea, if you have the faith, others will follow. America didn’t become a 14 trillion dollar economy because we are pussies, we became a 14 trillion dollar economy because we are innovative, and we are great at letting everybody else know it. And hell, half of our ideas, services and products suck, we just tell everyone they’re great, and they buy it.

And if any news organizations feel like flying me out to cover next years African Union or Arab League summits (or really any foreign policy conference of your choosing), I’ll have my Arabic down by then, and I can and often do refrain from goofy penis jokes. But I’m not gonna stop picking on Timothy Geithner, understanding him is like understanding the nature of Satan himself.

And for those of you who enjoy my special brand of fearless political commentary and want to keep enjoying it, please consider a huge donation. The internet is free but I’m not. Remember, the more you give the more I write, and you can’t live without me.

Also, if you’ve decided to make your living hosting a hundred or so blogs, and aren’t paying others for their articles or what not, you’re probably contributing to the noise, disinformation, plagiarism and general retardation that has become the internet that we all have come to know and love. You people know who you are and my bullshit meter is set to “fuck you.”




The Diplomaniac!

Raising the Bar on our Bullshit Meter Since 2009

Statement of purpose/ Welcome!

The Diplomaniac!

Combating totalitarianism and terrorism by endorsing dialogue with totalitarians and terrorists since 2009

Testimonials:

“After reading The Diplomaniac! I get it now that encouraging peaceful dialogue between Hamas and the Knesset is a kick ass idea! And I’m the guy who brokered a badass peace deal between the Irish and the English in the nineties, and those guys were drunk!”
-George Mitchell, US special envoy to the Middle East*

“After reading The Diplomaniac! I am finally getting the idea that you can’t spread democracy with bombs. You spread democracy with cash.”
-Barack Hussein Obama, President of the United States of America*

Welcome! This site is for those interested in geopolitics and the politics of peace. But this is not a site for peaceniks or hippies. We are here to discuss realistic solutions to some of the more pressing, complex and dangerous conflicts conflicting the world today. Think of it as a think tank that welcomes any and all intelligent and belligerent views and opinions, just like the Council on Foreign Relations! That is if you like your NGO’s without elitism, cronyism, stuffiness, or massive monetary personal interests.

I find the Middle East fascinating, as both a culturally spectacular and a profoundly troubled part of the world. For example, a seemingly well intentioned act, such as the International Criminal Court (ICC) issuing a warrant against Sudanese president Omar al-Bashir, can profoundly effect Iranian and Israeli politics, in turn effecting Russian, Chinese and American interests, not to mention the hundreds of thousands of Sudanese lives it immediately puts at risk.

The main reason I find this stuff so interesting and dire is that I see a discombobulating dichotomy between the now defunct Responsibility to Protect doctrine, in this case the issue of the Darfuris, and the possible severe global consequences that may occur if western nations try to intervene. From popular and official support of the ICC warrants against Bashir, to possible military intervention being called for by the all-too-undereducated and frustrated Save Darfur Coalition, the Iraqi war has left the US and the western world in an almost impossible situation regarding conflict resolution in the Middle East.

To paraphrase Defense Secretary Robert Gates, “We’re not setting one armed foot in any more Muslim countries, even if they are indiscriminately slaughtering their own people. Were trying to AVOID World War III here people, not start it.”

So if you agree or disagree with my ideals on the ICC warrants and their geopolitical consequences, then this site is for you. You are most welcome to the debate.

There is much to discuss, and pushing forward one step at a time, dealing with the issues as they come, is both the most interesting and depressing discussion I can endure. And I hope you people enjoy my writing, I’m trying to make politics and IR palatable, because serious people dealing with serious issues seriously can also have a sense of pathos and humor, they just tend to not let it show in their work.

Oh, and 911 truthers and NWO conspiracy theorists, please take the time to take a basic political science or international relations course at your local community college before spending time here. To quote Michael Jackson- “Ignorant people calling others ignorant is ignorant.”

Translation: Richard Haass is not a psychic vampire bent on world domination, he's a well-informed intellectual powerhouse. Globalization is not a conspiracy, it’s a sociological and technological trend. And just because I don’t think the Bush administration blew up the towers doesn’t mean I don’t think they are war criminals. You people are lobotomizing the internet.

For all others, check back soon for my new article, a study of Arab-Israeli relations titled “Poking Intelligent Diplomacies Dead Rotting Corpse with the Sharp Stick of Zionist Doom: An Analysis of Israeli Foreign Minister Avigdor Leibermen”

Or my next article “Bad Secretary of Treasury Picks: Great Sex with Jeffery Sachs, and Why I Think Timothy Geithner has a Small Penis”


-Ian


The Diplomaniac!

Kicking ass for peace since 2009

* These “testimonials” are completely fake. I made them up for satirical purposes; they only represent my sense of humor. I’m hoping to make this a gimmick or theme on this site. These people have never read my stuff, though one day I hope they do.

That said, I’ve been asked “Did George Mitchell really say that?” And even “Did Obama really say that?”

NO! It’s a joke!

I will be putting a lot of legitimate quotes in here, and a lot of fake ones to point out hypocrisy, my feelings on broken promises, doublespeak and my disappointments with some of our leaders tendencies not to say what they are really thinking, or what needs to be said. Maybe this is a sticky legal issue, but a lot of this is satire. I’m trying to stimulate debate and encourage interest in political discussion by making it interesting and slightly eccentric and goofy. My intention is not to slander or misrepresent anyone. The legal issues are pretty obvious: The people v Larry Flint