Dear President Omar Al Bashir,
I don’t pretend to understand everything about every little piddly, unimportant country out there such as the Sudan. But seeing as you and I are kindred spirits, with us both being openly gay and possessing a willingness to commit genocide for oil revenues, I’ll give you a little bit of friendly dictator to dictator advice.
I’m declaring war on you asshole. Keep your grubby little hands out of the bidding war for Chinese Weaponry and Oil imports.
You know that the whole damn world is clamoring for your head. If the UN wants you dead more than they want me dead, you must be more retarded than Ahmadinejad and Kim Jong Il put together. And those guys are so retarded that they both actually admitted on State run television to being diagnosed with Down Syndrome and Autism.
You have undercut the rest of us oil producing countries so badly, we can barely afford the Chinese bombers we need to “fight the rebels.” Did you know that Putin is thinking about canceling his deal on selling Iran those S-300 anti-aircraft missile systems? How in the Hell is Ahmadinejad going to initiate the second Holocaust if he can’t even protect his enrichment facilities from Israeli bombers? Geez, get your head out of your ass. The rest of us are trying to keep that Nuclear Development Hostage program going, and you’re practically giving your oil away to the Malaysians.
There’s a system here asshole: They buy the oil at ridiculously inflated and arbitrary prices, and we don’t blow up Israel. Do you like having the right to beat your wife in the name of Islam? Well if I have to put a Naval Blockade on your oil-shipping-at-10-dollars-a-barrel-ass, I will revoke Sharia Law right now.
Do you know what happens then? I get all the deals from those stupid Americans, and your ass is handed over to the International Criminal Court by your own fucking secret service.
Did you know that even George Clooney asked Obama to go to war with you? I’m mean, he and the rest of the Darfur Coalition aren’t the brightest bulbs on the planet, but now they’re sending out hundreds of thousands of petitions asking the American people to demand that their government invade yet another Muslim country. You must be really pissing people off now.
Get with the program man. If the US, or NATO invades another Muslim country, even if they’re committing genocide on their own people, the whole fucking world goes to war.
Did you get that subscription to “Foreign Policy” I sent you? There is a delicate three tier set of circumstances that need to happen to lead to a new World War:
1) World wide economic depression. No arguments there.
2) The fall of a Hegemony or Empire. Have you looked at America’s credit lately? Those people won’t last the decade.
3) Massive State Failures. I can think of 17 just off the top of my head. I mean, Iceland? What a mess. And if Russia can’t even import second hand Korean cars because of gross governmental mismanagement, you know their going to start bombing some American ally.
I’m going to go ahead and add a 4th one: The East is pissed off at the West for all that neocolonial bullshit, what with playing nice to the Saudis and the Egyptians. Could you imagine being openly gay, as you and I are, in those countries? Man, the Americans don’t exactly have much creditability in that department.
One more American invasion and the Culture War becomes the World War. So I’m going to do everybody a favor and invade you myself. If a Muslim country invades another Muslim country in the name of humanity and protecting the innocent, nobody gets to call it neocolonialism. Death to the Dictator!
Yours Truly,
Mohammad Ian Idi Amin al-Allah Akbar
President for Life, PM, DM, HIC, Ayatollah
Democratic Peoples Islamic Republic of Allahackbaristan
I don’t pretend to understand everything about every little piddly, unimportant country out there such as the Sudan. But seeing as you and I are kindred spirits, with us both being openly gay and possessing a willingness to commit genocide for oil revenues, I’ll give you a little bit of friendly dictator to dictator advice.
I’m declaring war on you asshole. Keep your grubby little hands out of the bidding war for Chinese Weaponry and Oil imports.
You know that the whole damn world is clamoring for your head. If the UN wants you dead more than they want me dead, you must be more retarded than Ahmadinejad and Kim Jong Il put together. And those guys are so retarded that they both actually admitted on State run television to being diagnosed with Down Syndrome and Autism.
You have undercut the rest of us oil producing countries so badly, we can barely afford the Chinese bombers we need to “fight the rebels.” Did you know that Putin is thinking about canceling his deal on selling Iran those S-300 anti-aircraft missile systems? How in the Hell is Ahmadinejad going to initiate the second Holocaust if he can’t even protect his enrichment facilities from Israeli bombers? Geez, get your head out of your ass. The rest of us are trying to keep that Nuclear Development Hostage program going, and you’re practically giving your oil away to the Malaysians.
There’s a system here asshole: They buy the oil at ridiculously inflated and arbitrary prices, and we don’t blow up Israel. Do you like having the right to beat your wife in the name of Islam? Well if I have to put a Naval Blockade on your oil-shipping-at-10-dollars-a-barrel-ass, I will revoke Sharia Law right now.
Do you know what happens then? I get all the deals from those stupid Americans, and your ass is handed over to the International Criminal Court by your own fucking secret service.
Did you know that even George Clooney asked Obama to go to war with you? I’m mean, he and the rest of the Darfur Coalition aren’t the brightest bulbs on the planet, but now they’re sending out hundreds of thousands of petitions asking the American people to demand that their government invade yet another Muslim country. You must be really pissing people off now.
Get with the program man. If the US, or NATO invades another Muslim country, even if they’re committing genocide on their own people, the whole fucking world goes to war.
Did you get that subscription to “Foreign Policy” I sent you? There is a delicate three tier set of circumstances that need to happen to lead to a new World War:
1) World wide economic depression. No arguments there.
2) The fall of a Hegemony or Empire. Have you looked at America’s credit lately? Those people won’t last the decade.
3) Massive State Failures. I can think of 17 just off the top of my head. I mean, Iceland? What a mess. And if Russia can’t even import second hand Korean cars because of gross governmental mismanagement, you know their going to start bombing some American ally.
I’m going to go ahead and add a 4th one: The East is pissed off at the West for all that neocolonial bullshit, what with playing nice to the Saudis and the Egyptians. Could you imagine being openly gay, as you and I are, in those countries? Man, the Americans don’t exactly have much creditability in that department.
One more American invasion and the Culture War becomes the World War. So I’m going to do everybody a favor and invade you myself. If a Muslim country invades another Muslim country in the name of humanity and protecting the innocent, nobody gets to call it neocolonialism. Death to the Dictator!
Yours Truly,
Mohammad Ian Idi Amin al-Allah Akbar
President for Life, PM, DM, HIC, Ayatollah
Democratic Peoples Islamic Republic of Allahackbaristan
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